


the silence accuses me

by Jay_Crow



Series: you can't explain (everyone wants you to explain) [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Gen, Other, Questioning character, Quoiromantic Character, Unintentional Misgendering (will make sense later in series), sympathetic deceit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 15:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15027476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Crow/pseuds/Jay_Crow
Summary: Virgil’s anxiety pretty much always makes him feel like he has to be certain about everything. But does he? Maybe it’s okay not to know everything.





	the silence accuses me

Virgil was uncertain about a lot of things. He was uncertain about airplanes, and some of Roman’s ideas, and about his place in the group, and a whole laundry list of other things. Some of these doubts he made sure that everyone else knew. What was the use of Anxiety if it didn’t make you aware of the stuff you needed to be afraid of? Other times, he kept it close to his chest. The more personal stuff, that he would be absolutely fine with no one else knowing. Of course, that was the stuff that kept him up at night worrying about it. Figures, right?

Before he’d been accepted by the others, Virgil had spent a lot of time hanging out with Deceit. Sure, he could be a bit... overzealous sometimes, but he wasn't a bad guy. They’d had good times together, and even dated for a while. That broke off when they realized they were better off as friends. Then, Deceit started avoiding him, and eventually ended up completely hiding himself away. To this day, Virgil still wasn't sure what went down, whether he had done something to make it happen. But the end result was that he was pretty much alone for a while. He kind of figured that was why he was so confused about things for so long; there was no one else around to compare himself to.

He’d never really thought about stuff like gender and sexuality, at least not for himself. Thomas’ whole... realization thing had been one of the more stressful parts of Virgil’s existence, and he’d really rather not do that again, thanks. But he couldn’t help thinking about it. It was that House Sorting video, of all things, that really got him going. The idea that you could just... not choose was mind-blowing, in a way. Sure, Virgil had known that was a thing you could do, but he’d never really applied it to himself. He could just... not know? He’d never really been good with not knowing (seemed to lead to bad things, most of the time), but for this, it felt... okay. Maybe even good.

But it can never be that easy. Overthinking was sort of Virgil’s specialty, and this part of him wasn’t any different. He started doubting himself, started being afraid that he was just making stuff up. That’s what everyone else would say, right? In an effort to stop those kinds of thoughts, Virgil started doing some research. Maybe if he had proof that other people felt like he did, had the same kinds of experiences, then the thoughts would stop (fat chance, but he’d take anything he could get). So he turned to the internet for, hopefully, some sort of help. Which he found, sort of. For some things, anyway. For instance, the reason why anything to do with sex freaked and/or grossed him out? Sex-repulsed asexual. Suddenly everything made a startling amount of sense. And not really getting the distinction between friendship and dating? Quoiromantic (though he was a bit spitefully drawn towards WTFromantic).

Gender stuff was still pretty nebulous. But for once, Virgil didn’t really feel like he was in a hurry to figure that out yet. He’d considered trying out different pronouns, but that would mean telling the other Sides, and... yeah. Not happening, at least not yet. There was still too much fear about making a mistake with this for that. So that stayed in the back of his mind, for now. Maybe, when Virgil felt a bit more secure, he might talk to the others. But until then, he was alright with not knowing everything.


End file.
